Truth Is…

Posted on by Toni Marie

My heart feels like it’s losing something or better yet… someone. I know, I know…I’m not. But the truth is my heart and mind have been racing each other since the Friday the 20th. That night I could feel my heart pound every time my best friend looked at me. At that point I thought that was going to be the last time I would see her before her plane leaves for Ghana. Our part of the state was expecting a huge snow storm and that in itself was making everyone believe church was going to be cancelled. So in my heart I felt every pull and pound. One of my love languages is physical touch. All of a sudden at the end of the night I just wanted to hug her forever. <—Silly sounding, I know. But I really thought that was the last time. But God actually worked it out to be able to see her one more time. This past Sunday we had church at night instead of in the morning because of the roads in the morning needing plowed. We had our Christmas program. It was extremely powerful. During the evening we commissioned both my best friend and other friend for Ghana. It was really cool, I was invited up to stand in on behalf of her family. This was very special. As it was just 3 Sundays ago she stood in for me for my dedication. I was surprised that I didn’t cry during this. I prophesied over the two of them. Then we all blessed them. Then the program went on. After the service I waited around a while. Finally I hugged her twice and told her twice that I loved her very much. She told me she loved me and then told me “behave.” I thought this was funny. She’s always like a big sister telling me what to do.
Truth is… I am gonna miss her a lot. But, I know I can do this. My heart is tangled up a little but it will work itself out. God’s got me surrounded by people who love me. And she wont stop loving me just because she’s somewhere else.

Too Many Feelings

Posted on by Toni Marie

My feelings and emotions seem to be overloaded. I have too many things going on inside my heart.My best friend leaves for 5 months in 5 weeks. I am excited about this but then again sad at the same time. Thanksgiving is coming up and I wish my Dad still talked to me like he did before I went to Ghana a year and half ago. I feel like I should be doing more in my life. But I’m not so I think and day dream about what more looks like. I feel many of the desires in my heart have been put on the back burner so others can be all they are called to be while I wait in line and let others go before me. It’s hard.

 

RANT!!!

Posted on by Toni Marie

DISCLAIMER: I am highly annoyed and quite a bit perturbed right now.

Something I personally can’t stand is when you think you’re friends with someone and then you don’t get invited to their Birthday Party. I guess it reminds me of all the times when I was a kid that I never got invited to birthday parties because I was pretty much “the loser.” Now that I am older it just bothers me because people say one thing and do another. Or they completely just don’t tell you and leave you out.

A “friend” had a party tonight and I was told it was going to be a “church staff only party.” Which I could understand except 1: I am intern. 2. Posting pictures on Facebook of the event and having people in the pictures that clearly not “staff.” Sends the message LOUD AND CLEAR we’re not friends. Even though I thought we were.

Now granted this person gives me a hard time about not having a car. But, you see there is this thing called a bus and I could of used it to meet up with someone. Secondly yes I worked tonight at my part time job. But, if I had been invited I would of found a replacement.

RANT OVER

5 Things That Are Not Ok

Posted on by Toni Marie

5: Nobody should be homeless. Anywhere in the world(.)

Their shouldn’t be anyone sleeping outside unless they are actually camping. People should be allowed to sleep inside without restrictions. I know homeless people say they only get to sleep inside for 60 days in a shelter a year. Once these are all used they are forced to be back on the street. This is for children and elderly. It’s not ok.

4: Nobody should be starving.

Their shouldn’t be anyone hungry. If you are hungry and don’t have the means of providing yourself with food then you should be able to get free food. Why is that people are allowed to die because of malnourishment. It’s not ok.

3: Unemployed Because No Experience

Nobody should disqualified from a basic entry job like McDonalds. Because everyone who wants should be allowed to work. The unemployment rate in America alone is not ok.

2: Denied Education

Nobody should be denied an education. This is not just a problem in the U.S. but a problem all over the world. People denied an education that would better themselves. In some parts of the world women have been killed because the want to become educated so they can better protect themselves and or their families. This is not ok.

1: Only Religion

By this point in the reading my 5 Things that are not ok you’ve mostly likely disagreed on something or your about to. But before you do, read my last statement carefully.

Religion is not ok because it leaves out the truth. It leaves out that while we were or are still sinners Christ died for you and I. He didn’t do this so that we would worship him. He did it so we could have a relationship with him. He wanted us to be one with Him. But in sin we can’t be with him. It’s not ok that religion only shows you one side of Him. He’s more than a baby in a manger. He is more than a broken man on a cross. He’s more than a man who died and rose again. He’s a man who is so lovesick for a bride that He gave His very life on Earth so that we could be one with His Father and one with Him. He loves us very much. We should love Him back just as much.

 

(These are based on my own personal feelings.)

Love is…

Posted on by Toni Marie

The Bible speaks of love as the following:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

To me love is…

More than just some four lettered word that you can say. It should not be used in a foolish manner. Love is a strong word. It has such power that it can change the hardest heart. I am sure my heart wasn’t “the hardest.” But I did have a heart that was afraid to love. My whole life up til I was 22 I only told very few people the words “I love you.” Because I was too afraid of losing someone that I loved. So it wasn’t that I didn’t care about people. It was that I had blocked people from getting to close to my heart because my own personal fears.

This changed for me in 2010. I met someone who challenged me to not be afraid of loving someone. This was HUGE for me. I practiced by telling 3 people a week that I cared about that I loved them. This was by no means easy because I never wanted it to be just words. Now people God has had me love, I love them with every part of my heart. My heart lately feels challenged in this area again. This time stronger but still feeling a little uncertain.

In loving my Dad and Brother I need to give them to God because right now they can’t love me in the way I deserve. So until they learn this it will be better for me to love them from a distance and release them to Father God. He can change them, I can’t.

The second challenge is letting God take care of my best friend (could be sister) for 5-9 months. As she’ll be in another country. The last time she was gone my heart was scared that it was going to lose her. I have to be honest, I am still scared about this. But I trust God at a new level in this area. I have learned I can still love someone through time and distance. It’s just a little different to show it. As I am finding out that I give people love by “Acts of Service” and “Quality Time.” According to the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

God is teaching me how not to just love people but love people well. As I grow in this area I will be updating this blog.

“God only gives us what we can handle.”

Posted on by Toni Marie

This is something I am pondering. Lately I’ve had a few things challenge my heart in such big ways that I really am having a hard time. My health. I feel ok but my body isn’t 100%. My immune system is weaker and my hair hasn’t grown back really. This bothers me greatly. On Saturday my best friend got a word for me  “you are being prepared for a specific time. Don’t get frustrated with the seeming slowness or delay, He has an appointed day!” This word gave me more hope and peace than any medicine a Dr. could give me. But, I’m still asking when will I see myself fully healed. I don’t know how much longer I can take having no hair on my body. God in me is bigger than any weakness in me. This definitely is something way bigger than I feel I can handle. So why is it God thinks I can? I believe what it says in Mark 9:23 Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, [a] all things are possible to him who believes.” I need God to show Himself and heal me. Or give my heart more strength to endure this.

Behold Him

Posted on by Toni Marie

This past weekend the ministry I am a part of held worship and prayer for 27 straight hours. It was a really great time. Beholding the holiness and glory of God is what we were created for. We are meant to have communion with Him. I was on for about 5 sets all together. Doing a little of everything. A/V Tech, Flagging, and Prayer Leader. Each set was really great! My favorites however were 7am-9am Saturday morning and then later that night around 7pm-9pm.  God was pressing on my heart that morning to have Him show us His glory. Myself and friend of mine also on the set have been meditating a lot on Exodus 33:12-23.

Moses and the Glory of the Lord 12 Moses said to the Lord, “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name and you have found favor with me.’ 13 If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.”14 The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”15 Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. 16 How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?”7 And the Lord said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.”18 Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.”19 And the Lord said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. 20 But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.”21 Then the Lord said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. 22 When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. 23 Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.”

This also led me to praying out of Revelation 4. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty.  I prayed that we would see why the 24 Elders and the Four Living Creatures never stop declaring Him Holy. This led to a beautiful and powerful spontaneous worship song,

Later on that same day during our last set for the 27 hours God decided to reveal to me some of His glory. This has left an imprint on my heart in more ways than one.

We as a team were in the upper prep area asking God how He wanted to show up when the worship leader of the current set spontaneously started  declaring that the Lord was about to spontaneously combusted. So we took that as a prophetic word. After a few minutes we went down to the main area and began to get into our positions. Now keep in mind we don’t even have a set list.

We are about a song into our set and a presence is filling the front worship carpet area. It’s so strong that I was crying just being in it for 2 minutes. I go back to grab a camera to capture people laid out and capture our team worshiping. When I grab the camera I feel Holy Spirit tell me to take off my shoe (I have a boot cast on the other). I do this and proceed to the front. As I came up and panned around the carpet the Worship Leader sings out “Take off your shoes. Do you not know where you are standing? You’re standing on Holy ground.” Instantly I can feel His presence all around me and I set the camera down and get on my knees and face. Some short time later my friend who I spoke of earlier about meditating on Exodus 33:12-23 starts prayer leading from the passage, So I am in the posture of agreement with her prayers. She is crying out to God and asking Him to show us His face. My heart at this moment is burning. All that was in me was, was now crying out to God…”Show me Your glory God!, Show me Your face, I must have You even if it means death.” I then begin to feel His presence in an even more powerful way than before. My eyes are closed and I’m now laying face first on the ground weeping and can’t stop juddering the same thing over and over “Show me Your face God.” When all of sudden I see in the spirit to massive angels come down beside me. They are so bright that all they look like is bright figures. As bright as starring into the Sun. Then I hear a voice from within me say “I am taking out the dark and bringing the new.”  I can’t do much but surrender. And as soon as I do I see the Angels tug on a shadow type figure that is coming out of me. Instantly everything my body is on fire and I feel like electricity pulse through my body. This lasts for only a few minutes. I have the feeling that literally at any moment I could be crushed and killed. But then I see the angels leave me, taking the black shadow figure away from me while simultaneously sending a light into my body. And again I feel the weighty tangible presence of the Lord upon me. Then another prayer leader begins to lead the room into repentance,  I am now weeping and asking for complete forgiveness. I feel the weighty presence again for awhile. Finally upon getting up back to my knees my whole body feels like it is brand new and that I had just gone through MAJOR deliverance.